Graphic by Tuana Özcan
Happy not quite December! It's that time of year again, that magical moment when our streaming overlords admit they've been tracking, collecting, and compiling our personal data, and sends it back to us wrapped in bright colors and whimsical, sweet nothings to keep us trapped in an unyielding cycle of pretentiousness and superiority. Oh, and Spotify Wrapped released a day early! Here's what your Wrapped 2022 says about you!*
Your Top Genres
If you're top genre's included:
Anything "Indie" or "Alternative":
Congratulations! You're better than everyone else! You're so cultured and daring and adventurous in your listening- please, take the aux, put us on, cap'n! Put on "All Caps" at the function, or some GRLwood, a little Saturation III, everyone wants that on right now, right this second! No, seriously, way to be adventurous this year. You really stuck it to those Billboard pricks with all the Dominic Fike you listened to this year, you're really not like other girls.
I get it man, we all miss Paramore, but you have got to stop listening to "Hard Times" If you're listening to bubblegum pop or bubblegrunge or candy pop, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you are not the main character. Your high school flame does not miss you that much, please move on. There is no good reason to be listening to that much new Avril Lavigne. They are not going to call you back. (Also, Spotify- just because a band is fronted by a woman, or it's an all female band, does not mean it's bubblegrunge. Pinkshift and Sprints are punk as hell. Get it together.)
Fuck you. You missed the bandwagon by about 15 years. Goth girls/boys do not want you, please get rid of that stupid Bass Pro Shop hat, you've never been fishing in your life. Machine Gun Kelly is not saving rock music, he's a predator that got embarrassed so bad, he had to switch genres entirely. A Pinterest tattoo and magnet piercing do not make you emo. Go back and listen to "Killshot" one more time, and return that three-grand guitar you bought and never played.
Big fans of the Big Booty Mix, are we? You've lived a sheltered life, and the only time you feel truly free is when you're on molly in the club listening to the worst mash-up mix ever conceived by human minds. Or at least, thats where you've imagined you'd feel completely free. The closest you've come to hard drugs is a Coors Light. Get rid of the moto biker skinny jeans, and go apologize to every woman in your life.
Social Media Pop:
Dude, really? We get it, TikTok has snaked its way into every one of our lives, but who in their right mind is listening to the D'Amelios? I know you think everything has a price and daddy's wallet cemented that for you very early on, but you can't buy taste. Or talent. Or ears, I guess. Addison Rae is not going to fuck you, and neither is Cole Chase Hudson.
20,000 Minutes and Under:
You have probably have a healthy social life, albeit a boring one. You know all the words to "Mr. Brightside" and you probably started avoiding sad music around the time you first heard "Hello" by Adele on your mom's iPod. Its ok to like things your friends don't, be your own person.
20,000- 80,000 Minutes:
You're toeing the line between casual listener and full-on music junkie. 30,000 minutes, you might just really enjoy music in the background or maybe you're in charge of the music at work a few shifts a week. But 50,000 and up? DM me, I'll send you application for this magazine, clearly you're a giant in your field.
80,000- 160,000 Minutes:
Dude, I promise you that the unreleased four and half minute 10th take of "Let it Be" sounds just like the original release. Please close the computer, you don't need the 50th anniversary Let It Bleed box-set.
160,000- 400,000 Minutes:
You're a recovering theatre kid. You're in the process of reentering society, you've reinvented yourself, but you can't quite shake the tune of "The Room Where It Happens" from your brain. You'll run movie scores and anime theme songs through the speakers until someone knocks and immediately switch it over the Hot 100 before anyone notices.
403,418 Minutes and Over:
Congratulations! You are now legally the Crowned Emperor of Spotify and all its umbrella streaming countries. You beat out indrahartmann's record for least amount of time without headphones, you deserve it! What will be your first royal decree, my lord?
If you're Top Songs were:
"Bad Habits" by Steve Lacy, "Unholy" by Sam Smith, Kim Petras, or any other song you may have stumbled upon or heard sped up on TikTok:
I'm revoking your premium subscription. If I'd have known you were going to waste your money looking for sped up remixes, I wouldn't have given you internet access. Oliver Tree didn't deserve this.
A Harry Styles song or a Taylor Swift song, especially if it was off Midnights:
You're the reason why tickets to anything are so expensive. How did you get a song on your Wrapped that's been out for a month? Midnights came out 10 days before the analytics cutoff, you're a psychopath. Neither Harry's House nor Midnights were good enough to warrant that kind of reaction. You are not immune to propaganda.
A Machine Gun Kelly song, a neo-pop-punk song, or any song with (feat. Travis Barker) in the title:
Do I need to say it again? We already went over this earlier. Being spoiled and rich with no real problems is not a good way to introduce yourself to people. Take off the striped shirts and the chokers, I know you have a tee time with Elon Musk later, you fascist.
A Christmas song:
Did you start in January? Mariah Carey goes back into cryostasis on December 26th, you have to let her get her rest. I know you're looking for that magical holiday tingle you felt when you were a kid, we all are, but this isn't the way to do it.
Any Ed Sheeran song:
This is an Ed Sheeran hate account, you are lying to yourself if you've got a Sheeran song on your top five. You don't like Ed Sheeran's music, you just miss how you felt when "A-Team" came out. We all have to grow up eventually.
If your Top Artists included:
Frank Ocean, Omar Apollo, Joji, Daniel Caesar, Rex Orange County, Lil Nas X, Dijon:
If you listen to any of these artists, I hate to break it you, but you're either gay, depressed, or both. I don't make the rules, it's just how it is. You've got good taste, and probably some deep-rooted relationship trauma, but hey, your playlists are amazing, so that's gotta count for something.
Taylor Swift, Billie Eilish, Dua Lipa, Doja Cat, Harry Styles/One Direction:
You are a walking advertisement. Billboard propaganda at it's finest. That artist is not going to see you reposting their music. Taylor's not going to mention you in her memoir, Harry's not going to fall in love with you because he saw you reading a book upside down in GA, and Doja is not going to post her titties! You
Drake, DJ Khaled, Ed Sheeran, Marshmello, Coldplay, Imagine Dragons:
You are a liar. You're lying about your listening habits, to yourself, to your pastor, your significant other, you are compulsive. You're not anyone's treacherous lil' twin, not a CLB, not by a long shot. Trim your beard, Patchy the Pirate.
Kendrick Lamar, J. Cole, The Weeknd, Bad Bunny:
You had a tough year. Just dance the pain away, it'll feel a lot better than drinking yourself under the table. Ouch! Su corazón!
The 1975, Arctic Monkeys, Silk Sonic, Turnstile:
You had some amazing music this year. But don't get a swollen head about it. You have a tendency to take the things you love and beat them into submission. Enjoy the moment, man, you're going to miss it when it's gone.
*Everything written here is a joke, and should be taken with a grain of salt. Well, almost everything. You're still a fascist.