top of page

Joji Dark Thirty: Indie R&B Superstar Causes Mass Hysteria at Charlotte Show

Updated: Nov 17, 2023

International superstar Joji has been causing disturbances during his Fall tour. Concertgoers who have attended his Pandemonium shows have reported not only confusing and at times unsettling occurrences, but also deep-rooted and unrecoverable trauma following the events. A group of fans who attended the Charlotte, North Carolina show at the Spectrum Center, who have requested anonymity, confirmed the imminent danger and unnerving nature of the set.

Joji's North American tour began late September this year, with the Charlotte date being one of the last dates, with the tour finale scheduled for November 8th in Orlando, Florida. He has also been touring with friend and collaborator, Kenny Beats, as well as SavageRealm and Lil Toe, who would aid and abet the on-stage antics, according to eyewitness accounts.

The crowd's lives were put in danger at multiple junctures throughout the show. Joji was seen parading around the stage at times holding a t-shirt cannon that had been clearly tampered. Based on our sources' memory of the show, the t-shirt cannon was not only irregularly high powered but also loaded with rocks wrapped in towels made to look like exclusive tour merchandise. Our sources said they witnessed multiple fans in the crowd be bludgeoned to death in a single shot by these high-speed projectiles, each shot met with a thunderous, Roman-gladiatorial style applause and dubbed over by Joji's meme sound effect sound board.

Our sources also reported that there was very little music played aside from a 20-minutes jam band set, during which Joji seemingly left the stage for an uncrackable amount of time before rejoining the band on stage for a freestyle, the lyrical content of which consisted of "I'm gonna suck your dick, I'm gonna suck your dick." The band did not appear to be in on any of this.

During the musical interludes in between shenanigans, the crowd was also threatened with a sinister red button, which the entertainers claimed would shut off all the power in the arena and randomly eject 40 fans from their seats if they did not put their hands up during the music. An astonishing 480 attendees were ejected from their seats during the duration of the show, according to our sources, each expulsion was indicated by a bass-boosted 'bruh' sound effect.

Our sources also speculated that at some point during one of the singer's many supposed 'bathroom breaks' he was switched out with an incredibly lifelike animatronic double, dubbed the "Joji-Bot." The robot could only stand in one spot on stage, marked by two metal footprints on the stage floor, believed to be a magnetic charge station, which the machine required to stay powered and functional. The Joji-Bot also appeared to break down and become trapped in a closed loop throughout its performance, and would begin wildly waving a towel up and down, most noticeably during another 20-minute rave mashup of some his songs. It was also noted that it was also only after the supposed switch that any of the artist's songs began being performed.

The crowd was equally as disconcerting according to our sources. Attendees ranged in age from as young as 10 years old to as old as 60, with each group to enter the Spectrum Center appearing to have just met each other on the way to the event. Each group of four to six had a glazed look about them, their eyes never quite focusing or blinking. Mixed in among the seemingly manufactured crowd were a staggering number of individuals in suits, who were reportedly always traveling in pairs with a hoodied counterpart, but never mingling in with the crowd as they moved further into amphitheater. Our sources also recounted seeing a frightening number of police officers and security guards in "the biggest jeans [they had] ever seen," that were reportedly "slaying." It is believed that the presence of suits and denim-clad law enforcement could indicate a potential department merger between the Men in Black and the Fashion Police, in a Federal cost-cutting maneuver to jointly monitor Joji's extraterrestrial activities and his questionable fashion choices.

Our sources also strongly believe that the singer was broadcasting hypnotic brain waves during the few songs he performed and even before the show began, which would explain the crowds' unfazed attitudes towards the show's murderous tendencies, as well as the fans' bloodlust. Sources surmised that Joji is pining for a career in world domination, which was also validated by the frequent subliminal messaging present in the graphics and visualizers presented on screen, including such indoctrinating messages as "Joji for Supreme Leader," the Cybertronian symbols from Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, and "Watch The Real Side Chicks of Charlotte Season 2 on the US Network, Summer 2024."

Lucky for fans, Joji's conditioning was unable to take full effect, as sources reported the singer receiving an awakening phone call from former President Barack Obama, who had caught wind of Joji's plot to take over the world. Our sources recall President Obama very quickly taking hold of the situation, informing the starstruck crowd that Joji had "tiny balls" and "no drip." Tiktok user vvitch_98 was able to get a clip of the life saving phone call before their demise.

The aptly named Pandemonium Tour has managed to stay out of the public eye so long due to reportedly collecting all cell phones and video technology at venue gates, and forcing fans who are caught recording or with cameras in their possession to shoot baskets on stage to determine their fates.

The brave souls who have chosen to speak out about Joji's barbaric and extreme entertainment practices ask that their stories be heard, and that no one meet the same fate.

(Disclaimer: Everything mentioned in this article is intended for entertainment purposes only and should by no means be taken seriously. Except for the Joji-Bot. That's 100% real. Beware.)

Rob Lucchesi


bottom of page