I've just had a breakup. There is no other way of saying it. I've written this article a week ago, just after the day I've broken up with my boyfriend but realize that it was way too petty, way too vulnerable and private. It has been almost 10 days now and I've gathered my thoughts once again to sit beside my laptop and channel my inner Carrie Bradshaw minus the cigarette.
Breakups are impossible to explain if you've never had one. It's crazy how fast thoughts and feelings fluctuate within each minute, how fragile, oh how incapable, and misunderstood you feel. It seems as if this feeling of abandonment and being unwanted will be a burden on your back forever resulting in you never being able to trust anyone again. Some swear to shut down their hearts forever and let themselves spiral in the feeling of not being loved. Some have a constant voice in their heads saying that there are other people who are going to love them fully and fearlessly this time. I'm one of the optimists (watching a lot of romantic comedies where protagonists end a relationship and find THE guy probably helped.)
This, however, doesn't mean that my heart isn't broken. I LOVED being in a relationship. I liked knowing that there was somebody waiting for me at home, somebody who is excited to hear about my day, someone who wants to know what's up with Tonitruale. It took me a week to accept that a breakup had occurred and I'm no longer in a relationship. I spent the first few days constantly crying and feeling as if that pain of not being enough for someone would ever go away. Besides my self-pitying I also grieved over an intimate bond was being torn to shreds, never to be the same again even if we decided to remain friends. (This conversation of staying friends instantly made me think of our beloved Brooke Davis from One Three Hill though)
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From the TV Show One Tree Hill
It's very burdening to experience heartbreak in the summertime, a season where everything radiates beauty, shines, and glows and you turn a blind eye to it. In my case at least, I noticed myself not beating myself up that much and trying to acknowledge my feelings but not judging any of them. I feel more fragile than ever but I know that these feelings will come and go, nothing lasts. I'm hopeful and excited about a new chapter of my life, the single life that I haven't experienced for a long time, and make the best of it. Until the heartbreak completely disappears, I'll be listening to these "songs to say goodbye to"
Fiona Apple - Shadowboxer
"Once my lover, now my friend
What a cruel thing to pretend
What a cunning way to condescend
Once my lover, and now my friend"
2. Lorde - Writer In The Dark
"I still feel you, now and then
Slow like pseudo-ephedrine
When you see me, will you say I've changed?
I ride the subway, read the signs
I let the seasons change my mind
I love it here since I've stopped needing you"
3. Frank Ocean - Self Control
"I, I, I know you gotta leave, leave, leave
Take down some summer time
Give us, just tonight, night, night
I, I, I know you got someone comin'
You're spittin' game, know you got it"
4. Sharon Van Etten - Your Love Is Killing Me
"Try to tell you this when I'm sober
How I feel about loving you
Try to remember all the turn of events
Being led by our own fantasies, fantasies"
5. Stars - Your Ex-Lover Is Dead
"It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love"
6. Elliott Smith - Everything Reminds Me Of Her
"I never really had a problem because of leaving But everything reminds me of her this evening
So if I seem a little out of it Sorry But why should I lie Everything reminds me of her"
7. Bruno Major - Places We Won't Walk
"Neon lights shine bold and bright
Buildings grow to dizzy heights
People come alive at night
In places we won't walk"
8. The 1975 - Playing On My Mind
"I think it's strange that I still call you
When I've got nothing to say
The truth is that I still adore you
And nothing really matters anyway
And I won't get clothes online 'cause I get worried 'bout the fit
That rule don't apply concerning my relationships
See, I keep getting this stuff wrong, take me out, put me on"
9. Mojave 3 - To Whom Should I Write
"And whom do you fly with
When you break out the day
Whom do you cry with
Whose wings do you steal
To whom should I write"
10 - Weyes Blood - A Lot's Gonna Change
"A lot's gonna change In your lifetime Try to leave it all behind In your lifetime
Born in a century lost to memories Falling trees, get off your knees No one can keep you down If your friends and your family Sadly don't stick around It's high time you learned to get by"