Uncertainty completely paralyzes me. It makes me shut down, resulting in me not having any kind of enjoyment with the present moment that I'm in. This is a particularly challenging trait considering the fact that we're facing a pandemic and a virus that mutates every day, we can't be promised anything. In these unpromising times, I'm constantly searching for things that can be promised to me. I look at various news outlets to validate that everything is going well, we'll be out of this pandemic soon and I will 100% be able to go back to France in August, see my boyfriend, decorate my new apartment, catch up with my French friends, enjoy the good weather in a northern city and live the other part of my life in France, the one that I haven't been living for a very long time. I'm browsing back and forth between the latest coronavirus news that are happening in Turkey and France, balancing myself in between two countries, between my two lives.
This is a difficult and self-harming occupation to have to say the least. As a media student, maybe I know better than most people that media outlets use fear as a way to get people to read their articles and create shock value. I don't want to be a conspiracy theorist but I believe that the traditional media can't be trusted for sure without supporting outlets like independent media companies and studies that were financed by various people and institutes instead of the same names that are in power, especially in the post-truth era that we're living in. Believing in all these, I still get sucked into the whirlwind of negativity and anxiety-triggering news.
I don't know if I'll be able to go to France in my expected and desired date, get my visa on time and how will I get it since there are no explanations on that matter even though I should have applied for it if I want to be in France a bit earlier. As you can see, MUCH TO THINK ABOUT! I know that these are the things that I can't change, there are some things that we can't control but my brain will refuse to believe that because how else am I going to proceed my life? With uncertainty? That thought could spiral me into an endless negative rumination. Writing these, I re-realize that my way of thinking is very damaged and flawed and it could put my mental stability into a lot of trouble but I just can't stop thinking about the worst-case scenarios where I somehow lose my new apartment, lose my life in France and not get everything sorted out, the exact way I want it to be sorted out.
I also have a lot of time in my hands. I wake up everyday very late, stare at my ceiling and then my walls and finally getting myself up, sitting on the bed before actually getting up on my two feet. The boring summer days and laying around with lovely white cotton dresses seems like a good way to spend the time if you're in a Coppola movie but in reality, due to the weather being very humid it's suffocating and overly depressing when you try to do that. I watch a lot of Eric Rohmer movies to hype me up for the summer season and daydream about going to St. Malo or Biarritz, catching the last green line before the sunset, and cry at its beauty and my luck like Delphine. Summer is my favorite season when I'm able to swim, tan and read an Olivia Laing book by the beach but I don't handle it well when I'm stuck in a house and there is a virus out there somewhere that can get me and my family sick, resulting in one of us dying. Sounds dramatic but who can promise me that it won't happen?
My coronavirus anxieties turned into a bigger one and made me completely forget about the virus as I witnessed what was going on in America and the amount of hate people have for one another. That bummed me out for a very long time and I started to believe that this is a horrible world to live in and there is absolutely nothing to be happy or excited about and that this was a hellish place and there is no hope. I still signed as many petitions as I could, shared them, and tried to keep Tonitruale active in terms of sharing the current events because not having hope that things are going to change and not acting on it is the biggest form of privilege. Would we ever be able to get rid of this ugly racism which is rooted deep down in the society and somehow abolish capitalism that was build to profit off people while stepping on them? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know and if the answer is no, I don't want to know.
The answer to my other insignificant questions? I don't know either. It will figure itself out eventually and until then, I should learn to proceed with uncertainty and try to be here for people who need help as much as I can in this hell of a planet that we're living in.
Here is the playlist that somewhat explains my feelings and the drowning summertime heat : "The Pain Of Not Knowing And Summer Depression" on Spotify