Another year, another morning of embarrassment and disappointment for everyone who woke up today expecting a Red Rider BB Gun under the Christmas tree, but were instead greeted by the giant, pink monstrosity-- sorry, the wonderful pink bunny suit your aunt so kindly handmade for you. Or at least that's what it felt like to open up my Spotify Wrapped this year.
Wrapped is back and Spotify has really upped their game with more in-depth analytics of your most streamed songs and artists, and the addition of new fan-favorite personalizations that will have you vaguely categorizing yourself in no time. So let's all gather round, pass out the gifts, and engage in the traditional holiday temper tantrum-ing when what we get isn't what we wanted. Without further ado, here's what your Spotify Wrapped says about you.
If one of your Top Genre's included:
You're either a true-blue redneck or were born, still live, and will die in the state of New Jersey. There is no in between. You probably heard "Stick Season" by Noah Kahan during your first cigarette break at a party and have been insufferable ever since. I promise you "Something in the Orange" is not that good, you're just still dating your high school significant other.
You have at least three video editing apps on your phone, all of which are flooded with half-finished STRAY KIDS edits and out of context interview clips, most of which you are now struggling to tell apart. You hate American pop music because you think it's full of sell-out, fabricated industry plants and are going to have a life-altering realization in a few months when you finally read an article about the South Korean pop music machine (This is a cannon event).
You win, you're better than everyone. 2023 was host to not only a return to form for classic R&B sounds, but also saw the release of some of the best performances in the genre in the last five years. You probably spent the year listening to Victoria Monét and Tems, while floating back and forth between old school soul music. However, disregard all of this if you were listening to Chris Brown. Your days are numbered.
It's ok man, you can listen to other music. I promise you, the tunes your parents forced on you during road trips to your grandmother's aren't the pinnacle of music, you just weren't allowed to listen to the radio when you were a kid. There's plenty of good stuff out there dude, so maybe sit on that Pearl Jam tattoo for a few.
Man, you don't have to lie, you have no f*cking clue what you're listening to. Everyday you toe the line between life changing resonance and an utterly unpalatable cacophony of art school pretentiousness. Thats not to say that there isn't good stuff in there somewhere, but let's be honest, you're not getting the aux at the function. Keep holding out for a themed night though.
If your Sound Town was a city in:
Congrats, par for the course! You were probably stuck with a city in a state you always threatened to run away to as a kid but will inevitably never visit. The heart wants what it can't have, and you cannot afford to move cross country.
Yeah, f*ckin' aye, mate. You're the most individualistic of your friends, albeit the most redundant. You're big on the pub rock and try to plug The Chats and CIVIC to anyone who makes eye contact with you. Grow up man, listen to The Wiggles' cover album like an adult.
Reggaeton for life, baby! You probably spent the year re-listening to Bad Bunny's last three albums or really enjoyed the year Karol G has been having. You also get stuck on aux every weekend and "Hips Don't Lie" is the only thing that gets people moving. And what a smart decision that is.
You've seen one too many movie in another language and are dying to live the cigarette-and-coffee life you've deluded yourself into thinking you can afford. No matter how adventurous you pretend to be, you will always fall back on ol' reliable-- McDonald's breakfast and a Coke.
You're a tricky one, you are. You might actually be listening to the local sounds and afrobeats, and if that's case, can we be friends? Otherwise, you're probably just listening to the same shit everyone else is and just didn't identify enough with the North American algorithm. Better luck next year.
Just can't get enough, huh? You just love getting bullied, don't you? You've been listening to too many anime theme songs and video game OST's, and you just never quite grew out of your awkward middle school phase. You're also probably taking Duolingo courses to learn Japanese or Korean and you're really bad at it.
If your top song(s) included:
A Taylor Swift song
You have a Travis Kelce jersey at the top of your Christmas list. You also probably left at least one of her re-recorded albums on repeat the night it was released. You are an intrinsic piece of the hive mind and that's ok.
Anything from Across the Spiderverse Soundtrack that isn't "Hummingbird" or "Am I Dreaming"
You definitely watched Loki Season 2 and own more Funko Pops than you'd care to admit publicly. You started listening to hip hop after watching Into the Spiderverse and have some interesting opinions about children's movies. You were also shocked to find out that HEROES & VILLAINS didn't sound like the first movie's soundtrack.
Something by The 1975 or Lana Del Rey
You are irreversibly traumatized and a Matty Healy apologist. You're a manipulator but not in a villainous way, you've just been able convince way too many people that these are good and enjoyable artists. You've been living in the same thrifted pants for two weeks, but not in a starving artist way, more of a rich kid who never learned to do laundry way. Also, your leather jacket doesn't fit you.
Anything by Travis Scott, or one very specific Sexyy Red song
Really been looking forward to the return of OG Fortnite, haven't you? You're a more annoying Drake fan in ripped motorcycle jeans with several unpaid parking tickets. You're definitely a Business or Finance major, and have at least three private Snap stories-- why do you, as a man, even engage in such activities? You should be out building a shed or something.
A Tyler, The Creator or Frank Ocean song
You still regret not waking up at 3AM three business days before the tour went on sale to get in line for tickets. If you're a new fan, you probably have "See You Again" or "Pink + White" in your Top Songs. If you're a seasoned fan, you've slowly noticed yourself starting to wear furry hats and ski pants, even though you swore to yourself you'd outgrown your awkward high school phase. Your friends and family are worried about you. Also, you're gay. I don't make the rules.
If your top artist(s) included:
Do I even need to say it? Haven't y'all had enough? Use your imagination.
Olivia Rodrigo, Tate McRae, or Sabrina Carpenter
You are 16 years old. Or you're 24 and and still trying to get over your high school football-wife delusions. We all have to get off our parents' insurance at some point, dude.
boygenius, Phoebe Bridgers, or Big Thief
You've done some intense crying this year, but you've been trying your best not to since summer ended. You've been picking up some new hobbies and you've made sure that everyone knows about it. You'll never stick with them though.
Morgan Wallen, Zach Bryan, or Noah Kahan
You're the sad adult equivalent of the speaker kid in middle school. You haven't been told to the shut the f*ck up enough in your life, and for your own safety, you need to find people who will. You're convinced that no one has ever felt such profound emotion in their time on this green earth-- that is until you empty out your bank account to find out your just another drunk dork in their dad's clothes.
Doja Cat, $uicideboy$, or Lil Uzi vert
Having fun there, edgelord? You take pride in making everyone around you uncomfortable, even though deep down you need their constant approval. You probably just got your first tattoo; either a spider or a teeny little cross, maybe a mix of both.
If your digital tarot card was:
Vampire, Luminary, or Mastermind
Quite the moody one, aren't you? You tend to get caught up in your funks pretty often, and your tunes always reflect that. You know exactly what to listen to switch gears but you always find yourself prolonging your 3AM pity parties. Your music knowledge and literacy is extensive and impressive, but you have a habit of misreading your audience. Your cosmic psych-jazz playlist is cool and all, but you're scaring the hoes.
Cyclops, Hunter, or Hypnotist
You like what you like, and you're largely unwilling to compromise the sanctity of your symphonic safe haven. You tried to branch out once, but the uncertainty of new music was far too frightening for you to handle. You have a set formula that you've never strayed far from and you're never scared to hit skip on a road trip playlist, even if it's not your playlist. Or your car. Your superiority complex is tearing your friend group apart.
Alchemist, Roboticist, or Collector,
Dude, sit still. You have way too much going on up there, and you have a playlist for every known corner of the emotional spectrum and every possible scenario. It's like Inside Out meets Rocky in there. While your extensive playlist library makes it impossible to give you the aux simply because of the absurd amount of times it takes to find the right one, the playlists you have been able to share have not only wowed your audience, but permanently altered their music tastes forever. Take that as you will.
Time Traveler, Shapeshifter, or Fanatic
You also like what you like and you're unashamed about it, but you probably should be. You put a little too much effort into making sure people know you're a super fan. Your room is probably plastered with your current favorite band's merch, and you've got at least one music tattoo you regret at least a little bit.
That finishes up another year of Spotify Wrapped! As always, these are all (mostly) jokes, and everything said in this year's piece should be taken with a grain of salt and hearty helping good sense. Let us know what you think or if there are artists, songs, or genres we should keep in mind for Wrapped 2024.